4/28/2026
Carrot Ginger Smoothie with Buttered Toast
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Keshav and I had a horrible argument last night, sadly on the night of our second wedding anniversary. One thing you can say about me: I know how to pick the night to fight.
This morning I made him breakfast as usual before he went to work: the above-mentioned Carrot-Ginger Smoothie, with buttered toast. I did not take a photo because I will not subject you to yet another picture of a smoothie with toast. How many times can you see that? To be perfectly honest, I also did not feel like taking a picture of it this morning, as I was still feeling the "hangover" of the fight.
Last night, after our argument, he told me to not make him breakfast today because he would feel weird eating it. However, I can't let him go to work without a good breakfast, even if I am upset with him. Beyond the fact that I want him to eat well, the act of making him breakfast ensures that I am still moving in the direction of my better self. If I didn't make him breakfast and left him to tend to himself, I would be abandoning not only him, but also myself, or at least the self I prefer to be.
It's not actually a "self", but you get what I mean. It is more of a direction that I choose to move in: towards compassion, patience, kindness, and respect. I like to think of it as a direction because that way I get to notice if I am moving towards, or away from, how I want to show up in my marriage. It is not a destination I arrive at and then am done. I am always moving either towards or away from it.
Last night I was definitely moving away from it.
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He liked the smoothie, one that I have made him successfully in the past. It is both sweet and tangy from a combo of fresh naval orange, mango, carrot, and ginger. He didn't finish it though, so I added the leftovers to my own breakfast a few hours later.
I told him last night, after I had regulated myself a bit, that I needed to make him breakfast in the morning. I told him that this was essential in re-committing to the vision I have for myself--that to give that up would be prioritizing hurting him over repair. He got it, and from what I could tell, had no internal conflicts about eating what I made him.
When couples fight, there is always a need underneath the argument. The Gottmans call this Dreams Within Conflict, meaning that when we are angry at our spouses, it's usually because a dream we have of the relationship feels threatened. In my work, I have noticed this to be pretty spot on. Nobody fights with a loved one unless they have a need that is not being met.
Last night I went into hypo-arousal, a dangerous state of mind where I shut down completely, unable to feel anything other than pain, and unable to receive comfort. I cannot even look at Keshav when this happens. It is beyond feeling suicidal, because that would take having an intention, and in this state I have none. My biggest fear when this happens is that I am losing my mind and will end up in a sanitorium staring at the wall for the rest of my life.
Dramatic, I know, but that is what it feels like at the time, and why it is so dangerous. In my marriage, we have done a pretty good job of preventing this state, but last night Keshav admitted that he was not his best self in the argument and did not help me out when it became obvious I was in trouble. The sad thing is that I understand all this--my behavior and words did not help him help me.
Despite all this, he came to me in the office later and tried to reach me, even though I could not receive him yet. That action did start a process though that allowed me to eventually join him in bed and talk with him, finally able to look him in the eye.
I guess that sanitorium will have to wait.
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