12/26/2025
Today I did not make breakfast for Keshav, as he is not even home. He is in Boston with his family, celebrating "Boxing Day", a holiday that began as a way to give gifts and leftovers in boxes to servants and the poor. Funny how it is now celebrated by those who are not poor, but holidays have a way of evolving like that, don't they?
I did make breakfast for myself today, whipping up an omelet with leftover shredded carrots and diced onion. Surprisingly, I slept in until 7:45am, a rarity for me. I never sleep in. NEVER. This is because I tend to automatically wake in the early morning hours whether I want to or not. Fortunately, I love the early morning hours. But today I did not get to enjoy them because of my late awakening. That's okay. I feel that I slept late because I have nothing to plan or do today, so my brain allowed itself to relax longer. That's my theory and I am sticking to it!
I am both missing my husband, and glad for the quiet and solitude. I can hold both at the same time without any contradictions. We often feel more than just one way about something, I find. I mean, we may love our spouses, but how many brides and grooms have wanted to run from the church as fast as they can on their wedding day? Fortunately, most don't, because the part of them that also feels that they are doing the best thing by getting married wins out.
I did the best thing for myself by marrying Keshav. I did not want to run from the wedding.
He may not realize this until many years from now, but he is doing much more for me than I am doing for him.
*
In his absence, I find myself looking around our apartment, appreciating what we have and what I have put together. It is a lovely place, if I do say so myself. Built in 1956, it has the large closets and crown molding that were typical of apartments in those days, unlike the matchboxes they build currently. I was sold on our apartment for its large kitchen, with TWO pocket door entrances, and its huge dining room, the latter of which is missing entirely from many modern apartments. It feels like a house more than an apartment. Or like a pricey New York apartment. There is no way we could afford this were it in Manhattan.
I feel fortunate to be in this space, even though at my age one might expect me to own a house. My parents owned a home and were unhappy with their marriage. I would rather have the good marriage than a house.
When I say that I am fortunate, I am intentionally using that word to avoid the words "lucky" or "blessed". Both of those terms turn me off in a big way, because they imply that the person to whom they are directed is somehow getting more good stuff than the rest of us. If you ask my opinion, those who use the phrase "I am so blessed" are arrogant while playing at being humble. How can you be authentically grateful if your gratitude springs from a sense of entitlement?
I prefer to use the term "fortunate" to describe my circumstances because that describes exactly what my circumstances are. I was fortunate to have opportunities either available or offered to me throughout my life, opportunities that allowed me to develop and utilize my intelligence and creativity. My appreciation comes not from feeling that I deserve any of this, but instead from feeling grateful that these opportunities were available to me in the first place, and also that I had the good sense to take advantage of them.
I am not sure if Keshav has matured enough to feel the extent of his fortune--I know I didn't feel it when I was his age. I just felt that this was the world I was born into and that was that. I never considered that I could have been born into a much less opportunistic life. At least not until I started meeting those who were.
*
Today, as I was making my morning omelet, I felt gratitude to have food in the fridge that was readily available to me, as well as a gas stove on which I could cook my omelet. I felt grateful that, in my marriage, I get a break from making breakfasts for my husband so that I can sleep in until 7:45, though I don't intend to make a habit of it. I like waking at 4am.
I listened to a Zen monk speaking the other day who talked about how it is amazing that we are alive at all, and that we are truly fortunate to experience any of it, even that which is less than pleasing. While I would not expect someone enduring great suffering to feel grateful in the moment, the monk would say that we do not get to experience suffering unless we are alive. I guess that is one way to look at it.
I am grateful that I am both suffering and thriving in the moment. The fact that I am feeling any of it is fucking amazing. I don't expect to have the same perspective of life when I am 83. Hopefully, my perspective at that time holds even more gratitude. Hopefully.
I better get started on that now.
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